Social media obituaries are now common among the living. As we increasingly connect online, our friends, family, and colleagues communicate through social media and messaging apps. “Social media obituaries create a kind of techno-spiritual space where memories of the deceased can be publicly shared.” In our book, Digital Legacy Plan, Vicki McLeod and I examine how social media obituaries and similar online memorials are now one of the personal yet practical things we need to think about when a loved one dies.

Social Media Obituaries: an excerpt from Digital Legacy Plan

Note: This excerpt has been edited for brevity.

Although [death notices and obituaries] were once commonly published in newspapers large and small, in the digital age, this practice has declined in popularity. The cost to place an obituary in most markets is high. It is far more common now to receive the news of a death via digital channels — email, Facebook, Twitter, an online news service, or via a link or announcement from a memorial site.

Who writes the obituary?

Past practice is that a friend or family member composed the obituary after the death of a loved one. A new trend is emerging where people are writing or recording their own obituaries or postmortem messages, obviously before they die, and posting them or leaving them in the care of their estate. These obituaries are often sassy, funny, and inspiring. It is also not uncommon in the online world for an especially well-written, touching, or witty obituary to “go viral.” Because information posted online is largely public, obituaries or memorial tributes are reposted and shared, sometimes by millions.

Whether you choose to prepare your own obituary or you have the task of writing one on behalf of a deceased friend or family member, there are a few key points to consider. For either a death notice or an obituary, do consult with family and friends as to content and tone. A death notice, by nature, is concise and factual, but an obituary is a more expanded personal account, and as a result often reﬂects the personality of the deceased. Consulting with friends and family will not only ensure an accurate and meaningful obituary, it will also help those grieving to process thoughts and feelings. It offers an opportunity for their memories and perspectives to be honored and expressed.

Keep in mind that unofficial or unauthorized memorial posts may appear on one or more social media channels. These posts may be created by someone connected to the deceased with good intentions. Other times unexpected memorial posts might be triggered by peripheral mourners or people who hear about the death through news media.

How to write a death notice

Assuming you’re writing the official death notice or obituary, you may want to include the following information:

The name (first and last) of the deceased (and nickname, if applicable).
The year and location of birth and the date and location of death.
Date, time, and location of the memorial or funeral service, viewing or visitation, and reception (if there is one).
The name of a charity to which donations should be made in the deceased’s name in lieu of ﬂowers.
A short summary of surviving immediate family members (e.g., spouse, children, and grandchildren).
A short thought about the deceased; for example, “He was well loved by his family and peers” or “Her accomplishments were widely recognized in her industry.”

How to write an obituary

The points above cover the details that should be in a death notice. For an obituary or a more expanded written tribute, consider
adding the following:

A general indication of the nature of death (i.e., whether it was a sudden passing or after a long illness). For example, “after a courageous battle with cancer.”
A list of survivors, starting with spouse, children, and grandchildren, followed by siblings and other immediate family members.
A list of immediate family members that predeceased the deceased.
Biographical details such as —
- education;
- career achievement;
- military, civic, or humanitarian service;
- hobbies, clubs, or other interests;
- special memories or descriptions of the deceased’s character or personality; and
- a favorite poem or quotation.

The cost of publishing an obituary

These points apply whether you are preparing the obituary for an online outlet or for more traditional media, such as newspapers. The difference, aside from medium, is in the cost. You will pay per column inch in most newspapers, although costs for obituary space vary. A digital or social media obituary is typically a costfree option, in that the only cost associated are already covered in the platform subscription or hosting fee. The digital space is essentially limitless so you are free to include as many memories or as much detail as you (and friends and family) are comfortable with.

Depending on the mediums in which you choose to publish, you may want to craft a short version for print purposes and a more comprehensive version for the memorial website or social media. One cautionary point: Be careful not to include any details that may result in identity theft. For example, omit the deceased’s middle name, maiden name, exact birthdate, or home address.

Remembrance in the 21st Century

In a way, the digital world is giving new life to obituaries and altering the way they are written. They can be witty, entertaining, deeply personal, and sometimes even blunt. What’s important is that the obituary is respectful of the deceased, meaningful to family and friends, and a true reﬂection of the character and life of the person it honors.

/end excerpt

Next steps before you die

Digital Legacy Plan is filled with practical advice and easy action steps to get your digital life in order. But it’s more than that with wisdom to help you and your loved ones to navigate the emotional minefield when you consider our own mortality or are grieving the death of someone close to you. Vicki and I are proud of this writing and we want to help readers make progress on their digital legacy plans. Preparing your digital life before you die is much more than just obituaries and we invite you to pick up a copy to learn more.

My Digital Lifelines

Hi. I’m back. You might not have noticed I was mostly offline over the last couple months. That’s okay. Thankfully, my digital lifelines helped me through.

I had surgery in December and have spent the last few weeks healing. It’s been a long haul but, happily, my surgeon gave me the all clear and physiotherapy is going well. I’ve got some work to do to regain my strength, flexibility, and balance. Given time, I’ll be physically better than I have been in years. Hurrah! Thankfully, I’m not concerned about my mental wellness thanks, in part, to my digital family who kept me connected through digital lifelines.

Six Weeks of Rest

Six weeks is a long time to convalescence. In the early stages, it’s about pain management and distraction. Digital helped. After a while, it’s about filling the gaps between naps when your energy is low and your brain is foggy. Digital helped some more. Towards the end, healing is a mental game where you have to overcome the urge to do too much. Digital became part of my coping strategy then, too.

Analog was a big part of my healing process, too. Good food, sleep, movement – the basics of healthy living. Cuddles with my son, in-person visitors, and offline activities also filled my days. But my digital lifelines made the days less lonely and helped pass the time.

Priority Communication

At first, in hospital, it’s about communication and then comfort. And this part requires some preparation. When my husband brought my overnight bag to me post-surgery, it contained my mobile phone, headphones, a fully charged battery and a charging cable. I had a minimal amount of technology in hopes that my things wouldn’t be stolen from my hospital room. The headphones, battery, and charging cable could easily be replaced; my iPhone not so much but I felt the benefit of staying connected outweighed the risk of theft.

I’d decided, in advance, that I would only connect with four people – my husband, my son, my Dad, and my sister-in-law. They could spread any news to close family and friends. They were the core branches of my digital “phone tree” although I don’t think they made many phone calls relying instead on text messages.

I wasn’t sure how my brain would behave post-anesthetic and on pain medication, so I limited my communication to people who would forgive me if I said something rude or stupid or hurtful. The internet never forgets and I live part of my life online everyday. The adage “if you haven’t got something nice to say; don’t say anything” seemed like a good approach and if I didn’t say anything on social media or email then I wouldn’t create a problem I’d have to unravel later.

Digital Comfort

Beyond basic communication, my mobile phone was a terrific comfort. The regular hubbub of a post-surgical ward is a noisy place and I shared my room with three noisy roommates. The woman next to me snored like a champion. One man across the aisle kept tripping his bed alarm – over and over. The fourth patient in our quartet was shouting abuse and complaints at the nursing staff, especially at night. Sigh… so much noise.

While I had a room with a view, the change in sunlight and the wind in the trees was only entertaining for a while. I was grateful to have a window but…

Fortunately, I’d planned ahead by downloading audio books, music, and podcasts so that I could use my earbuds as ear plugs and create my own soundscape. To save battery life, I kept my phone in airplane mode most of the time. And I made sure my phone was silent! My corner of the ward did not add any beeps or vibrations to the cacophony. (I try to live by the advice in Declutter Your Data where I wrote about digital distractions and turning off notifications.)

Two Types of Digital Distractions

As I recuperated, I realized that digital distractions come in two forms. I was most familiar with the annoying and unproductive distractions that keep me from focusing on my work. However, there is a second type of distraction – a welcome element in my digital lifelines.

For me, those welcome distractions included endless amusement. Streaming TV shows and movies was wonderful. I caught up on my Netflix playlist and bought a bunch of shows on iTunes. (Of course, there was a day of reckoning when my credit card bill arrived but I think it was was money well spent.)

When I wasn’t watching something, I was reading. I particularly enjoy the magazines in my Texture subscription. For a monthly fee, I have access to dozens of magazines – the latest issues and a copious backlist. I read my usual favorites – Hello Canada, Entertainment Weekly, Adweek, Chatelaine, and more. But I also used this time to read new-to-me magazines – Birds & Blooms, Reminisce, Magnolia Journal, and others.

And when I wasn’t reading magazines, I read social media – mostly Facebook and Instagram. But I was reading, not posting, for the most part.

Asynchronous Connections

I experienced some wacky sleep patterns over the last few weeks. Long sleeps at night and long naps during the day meant I was awake at odd hours. Once again, digital lifelines came to my rescue. Social media and chat apps like Facebook Messenger, WhatsApp, and Marco Polo allowed my friends and I to post and comment when it suited our schedules. This asynchronous communication meant I could share my thoughts with my BFFs at 3am knowing that they would see them and respond at a more civilized hour. Happily, my Dad is an early riser so he was a constant comfort in the wee hours. (Thanks, Dad! oxo)

Best of all was the visits. Some local friends were able to stop by for a visit in person. (If my friend, Shelley, ever offers you her spiced pecans, say YES! So good!) But, mostly, my visits where through video chat. I’m especially grateful for the laughter-filled video chats with my pals, Kim and Peggy. Although, I don’t recommend laughing that much with stitches in your belly. Ouch.

Technology is a great way to stay in touch with family members in your home, too. My husband and I have home offices well away from our bedroom and living room. A quick text to ask for help let him be there for me but also kept him at work. Similarly, my video game loving son could be summoned with a quick text – don’t forget the emojis!

Text messages and video chat with individuals and small groups create vital digital lifelines. I was alone but not forgotten. I was lonely at times but did not struggle with loneliness.

Digital Lifelines Matter

While a lot of my work has to do with digital living, I became acutely aware of the importance of digital lifelines. The relationships we nurture online and offline over months and years can sustain us through the tough times, like surgery and other big life events.

Thank you to my digital family for keeping me connected these last few weeks. Much appreciated. See you online (and offline) again soon.